Just a place to fill in my thoughts. I realize that it has been awhile that I expresses myself over the internet. But then who reads anymore these days. Everything is a glance through in this era and for anyone who read through this journal. Here! A cookie for you.
So here comes doomsday and suddenly thoughts and my life flashes before. (was having doomsday dreams few days before, it was pretty epic actually).
Life hasn't exactly been smooth sailing to me even though it might seem like it to a lot of people. Sure there were tons of goods and this year a lot of good weighs the bad and that is indeed more important that anything. Also, bad things happen made me grew stronger. Falling out with friends, leaving the past behind, changing my mindset to steady myself, family financial woes, emotions, selfish selfish emotions, confusions... hey I bet a lot of felt the same way as me.
And then thoughts came in like where I stand in life... what do I mean to people. I know this sounds childish.. and I always think it is if I always think about what people think about me. I always think that I should always be giving no matter what, in terms of emotions and never expecting much in return.. which it is true and it in turns makes you a happier person. Well, truth it I don't lament as much as those days (prolly getting too numb) but yes that feeling.. that nagging feeling is coming back lately.
Miracles have been happening and things did happen for reasons and not just coincidence. For example, my biggest DREAM and WISH came true. I still could not digest it till today. I woke up everyday like going WOW this is NOT HAPPENING BUT IT DID.
Now comes the next step.
Am I able to translate myself to the people around me? The truth is I hated to be stereotyped but at the same time I resorted to being what a girl should be once in awhile. Oh such hypocrisy in me.
I just wanted to be a person.
INDEED I don't call myself the Indecisive Persona for no reason.
Also torn in being myself and showing to people who I am. Till today I have confidence issues. And if I don't do something about it.. I got a feeling.. my DREAM/WISH would be wrecked. Turning negative or just being paranoid.
As I write I don't even know what am I typing. I haven't been exactly a good person lately. But then I have never been one. Don't say I am one.. for I am truly not a good person. I have been cowardly and selfish... and trying my best to overcome it by being fair. But does fairness really help? I don't even try to mend things like before.. honestly in all my pride. I do think it's best that each of us move on with our lives once our thinking/wavelengths do not match anymore and also I do not want to waste my time. In my opinion, learning and growing at the same time to open our minds.
What I wish for the new "baktun" is to continuously grow stronger and better and more mature as a person. Not only in my thinking.. but in my cosplays, my friends and the things I do. Pushing my dream/working hard as a singer even though I'm just at the starting line. Finding more ways to gain income for my family and also to be there for them more... because I haven't been.
Also, am tired but I don't want to be stuck in rut going back to ground zero ever again.
Let me grow and change.... even in my emotions and perception. I want to translate it. I want to rid of the greed and thirst of recognition in me .. rid it and let the real me take over.
I want to translate how I truly feel.
And I realize this journal entries has a lot of points that doesn't correlate aww fuck it doesn't matter. I just wanna express myself and thats all it matter!
Here a cookie as promised! *hands*